Log in

No account? Create an account
Organizing chaos
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in Bringing order to chaos' LiveJournal:

Friday, July 21st, 2006
1:10 am
This Has Been Brewing In My Mind For Awhile
Dear Friends,

Yesterday on the way to kung fu I started crying while I was driving. This is nothing new because I cry a lot over everything, or at least I want to but I stop myself. The satisfaction of knowing that I had the willpower to stop is more satisfying that if had let it all out, because it means I still have control. If I don't have control, what do I have? But back to the topic at hand; if you have watched TV with me, commercials included, you may have seen me get teary-eyed over commercials. I'm highly emotional that way.

The problem though, was not that I was crying, but more why. The answer is that there was nothing else I could do. I either had to cry and scream, or laugh hysterically, and I find myself laughing at too many things that I should be screaming at lately. During class I started crying again, but no one noticed because it was during stretches and was mistaken for either sweat or pain. Then I had an asthma attack, or at least that's what they thought. The reality was I chose to stop breathing, because I wanted that hollowness and emptiness in my chest to go away, even if it meant I had to die.

A long post consisting of many tears and discussions of cutting, neglect, and other intimate parts of my life...Collapse )

Current Mood: relieved
Monday, June 5th, 2006
2:10 pm
I think I've posted here once before, but I've mostly been watching.  I guess I finally got to the point where I don't have anyone else to talk to, so I wanted to put my thoughts here.  I hope that's not a problem.  

Like everyone else, I have my good days and my bad days, but the bad days seem to get more and more frequent.

I'm at work, so this is shorter than I'd like, but thanks anyway.

Cross-posted.  Sorry if you get it more than once.

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
6:59 pm
I wrote the following text to R:

Taniwha: Just 2 clarify a few things: yes, R. I DO GET IT. I broke your trust with H. by telling him about ur past & by telling Maggie about the loan. & I am truly sorry about that. Can't make u 4give me or trust me. U said u tested me & I failed. Well if u set ppl up 2 fail, they will. I have helped u bcos I care about u and I want 2 c u well & happy, not bcos I c u as a charity case. But u think wot u like. I don't think u have no friends, but I have seen u alienate urself from ppl. That's all I have to say. Bye.

R: What part of piss off don't u get bigmouth?

Oh well. Never mind. Just felt like I had to get that off my chest. That's the end of the drama for the evening as far as I'm concerned.


Current Mood: blah
6:16 pm
Crossposted in other Borderline Personality Disorder communities

About a month ago, my friend R. (who has BPD) told me in confidence that her sister R2 was given $2000 by the bank when she should've been given $200. I mentioned my friend Maggie, who then asked R2 for a loan. I didn't think she would do that. It got R. in trouble with her sister, because she wasn't supposed to say anything about the incident. R. thought that Maggie and her partner were trying to rip her sister off. Maggie and Dwight repaid the money as quickly as they could and I apologized to both R. and R2 about mentioning the incident.

On May 22nd, I wrote a Live Journal entry about a fight R, and Maggie had. R. was annoyed because Maggie called her Wee Ears and sent her some unpleasant texts. Maggie was upset and asked me why R. was doing so. I told her that R. doesn't like being called Wee Ears and that she thinks that Maggie and her partner were trying to rip her siser R2 off.

I sent her a birthday card, as did Maggie. Maggie also sent her a letter saying that she was upset that R. thinks that she and her partner were trying to rip R2 off.

So today I get a bunch of text messages from R. Conversation follows;

Read more...Collapse )

I know that it was wrong of me to mention the loan to Maggie, but I apologized for it and can't change the past. As for telling Maggie that R. thinks she and her partner were trying to rip R2 off, well I can see why R. considers this is a breach of trust, but I think that she and Dwight had a right to know.

I'm just tired of getting caught in the middle. I feel like I broke R.'s trust once in 2004, once this year and now she's just setting me up for failure I can see her point, but I also think that that if she's determined to believe that I'm untrustworthy, then of course I'm going to fail her tests sooner or later. And I really can't be bothered with it. I don't see her as a charity case. I've tried to help her, but only because I care about her and want to see her well and happy. I do think she's alienating people, but I've never believed that she has no other friends, I just think that she won't have any left if she keeps treating them the way she does.


This is all so fucking frustrating and annoying. I can't win.


Current Mood: pissed off
Friday, May 26th, 2006
8:06 pm
Hi ...
Just a quick note to apologize for the fact that I haven't been able to reply to everyone's comments. I will do so asap. Am working full-time nightshifts atm, so things can get hectic. I appreciate your feedback.


Current Mood: rushed
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
2:14 pm
Hi ...
Crossposted in various Borderline Personality Disorder LJ communities

I can see that my friend R. is starting to become quite aggressive towards our mutual friend Maggie and I, and am concerned that she is building up towards an explosion.

For example; last week I bought R. a pregnancy journal and took some photos of her baby bump, because she doesn't have a camera. But she snapped at me about things like trying to establish a time to meet, because she was getting a cellphone the next week - despite the fact that I hadn't seen or heard from her since the previous week and had no idea that this was happening. As far as knew, she didn't have enough money to buy one and wouldn't be getting one for a while. I was left thinking 'What am I supposed to be? A mind reader?' I have to take a bus right across town to see her, and never know if she'll be at home or not, because she cannot afford a home phone line. I feel like every time I try to do something nice for her, I get a slap in the face in return.

Also, whilst Maggie (a mutual friend) and I were visiting her last week, asked for both of our numbers. When she texted me, I passed her number on to Maggie. The next day R. sent me a text saying that I shouldn't have given Maggie her number and that Maggie was being rude to her, because she kept calling her 'Wee Ears' - I sent a text back saying that she should tell Maggie how she felt, then she'd probably stop calling her that and that I doubted that Maggie meant anything by it. R. did so but she was quite unpleasant about it and they ended up having a fight. R. told Maggie to fuck off and not contact her again. Maggie said she should get over herself, grow up, and that she'd be there for R. when she was ready.

Maggie emailed me this morning and said that she dosn't understand why R. was so upset about her using (what was intended as) an affectionate nickname casually. She didn't mean any harm by it, and was completely sideswiped by R.'s reaction. Now Maggie and her partner are both having second thoughts about remaining in contact with R. Which is a pity, because they've tried to be supportive of her, given her baby clothes (because R. is pregnant) and offered her help and advice.

Now I'm reluctant to vist R. tomorrow as planned, because I'm aware of the fact that she will probably go on at me about giving Maggie her number and about the fight they had. And if I tell her what I really think, which is that she is alienating all of the people who care about her and want to support her, she will probably get angry with me and explode.

She can be quite verbally abusive and personal in the things that she says (and how she says them), plus she has a habit of telling people to fuck off and not contact her again, only to get over it and get back in touch within the month. The problem is, people are getting sick of it. Sick of getting caught in the middle, sick of being used and abused, sick of R.'s temper tantrums, constant dramas, clinginess, paranoia and need for attention, sick of being discarded or being told to fuck off, sick of having to watch every little thing they say around her and sick of walking on eggshells.

Sooner or later, R. will run out of chances and have no friends left. And I don't want that to happen to her, because I know that she needs to have people around her for support, especially considering the fact that she's having a baby. I also realize that this is something which she finds difficult to control and that she won't be changing anytime soon. That perhaps she cannot change and will never change. And I'm doing my best to be understanding and patient with her, because I know that it's hard for her.

She tends to follow a random pattern of being friendly, becoming suspicious and hostile, exploding, withdrawing and then reconnecting a few weeks later. Things are usually calm for a while, but then the cycle reasserts itself.

I'm aware of it, and have seen it happen many times before. I just don't know how to create some form of damage control and set firm boundaries with R., so that I will not be abused or caught in the middle myself, and so that there can be some way of myself and others being there for her without getting caught up in the middle of these vicious cycles.

If you can offer me any insight or advice into these matters, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks, Taniwha

Current Mood: frustrated
Friday, April 28th, 2006
6:15 pm
I myself am not a BP but I am the girlfriend of one. He's 18 soon to be 19 and he's the most intelligent, talented, and beautiful person i know. He hasnt been formally diagnosed yet probably because of his age and his psychiatrist doesnt feel its BPD although his therapist and everyone else admantly think it is. He's on Zoloft, Geodon, and Zanax for his anxiety attacks.

Usually his downspells dont last more than 2 days at most. He's been in one for 2 weeks now. He's miserable and sees himself as worthless and life as pointless. In his black and white life he believes nothing ever changes people dont change. He doesnt know what he wants in life and has never known. He can't even remember anymore what he used to do to be happy. He doesn't even want to get out of bed. Every coping technique he uses is one that does more dammage than healing.

Things took a turn for the better 2 days ago he had himself admitted to ur local behavorial health center for a week. Im scared and worried but I know its for the best.

I love him so much and Id like this relationship to last years. But BPD defnitely has a negative influence on it. My bf is so torn he wants to be with me but at the sametime his afraid of spending his life with just one person. he says at times he wants to eb a cat ladhy.

I guess I've come here looking for advice and support. Id like to know what to do to help him when he gets down.


Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
2:47 am
so i've noticed that in the past few months i've been backsliding...a lot

especially after i've been so good for so long

i've become infinitely more reclusive...and when forcing myself to socialize (which normally helps) i feel even more alone than ever before

i cut again awhile ago after not cutting for nearly a year
and i've been forcing myself to vomit again (i did so today) after almost two years...the vomitting is not exactly a bulimia thing though it occasionally becomes the case it's mostly self-punishing (does anyone else here do that?) and results from anxiety

i've been off meds for two years and have been going to therapy regularly the whole time

i think i've hit a recovery wall...any suggestions please?

i'm afraid of backsliding so far i will never be able to recover

Current Mood: sick
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
4:07 pm
Crossposted in bpdisorder, borderline and xxborderlinesxx.

I have a friend who has recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I often experience difficulties with her, and would like to be able to learn more about this disorder, so that I can understand and support her better, whilst also maintaining some boundaries within our relationship.

Would it be ok for me to make posts here about the issues which crop up during the course of our friendship?

If not, could someone please direct me to a community where it would be?

Friday, March 24th, 2006
10:35 pm
Does anyone have any good links to sites that describe BPD well, preferable as short as possible, or rather no long pages of text to go through.
I have to educate someone about this and I'm nervous as all heck.

Friday, December 16th, 2005
1:05 am
flowers in bloom [xposted]
Scratching is better. It numbs and takes away better than anything. I don't need a drug. I don't need a chemical... all I need is what I give.

Sometimes what I give is horse shit. But what do I care? I can bitch and scream at the top of my lungs, hurt everyone around me just to make it hurt less.... and it still won't matter, won't add up, because it's not like anyone pays any damn attention anyway.

You walk alone, you stand alone.... you're completely and utterly alone.

Hoping for a Prophet, wishing for a miracle... finding nothing. Sometimes you reach out and reach out and begin to fall forward to find that the ground you stand on in the life you think you lead is nothing but the pit to Hell, and currently you're living a demon's life.

I don't think anyone reads this... or cares about this... or takes into mind what it's worth.

Sometimes I think I just talk so I won't go insane but then again I end up talking to myself so isn't that crazy? I don't know. What is crazy anyway? The lines between sanity and insanity are so blurred, I don't think any of us really knows the difference between anything.

We think we have something figured out but we don't. A math equation in our minds to the solution of the problem that we face in life, yet it's not the equation that works or matches up with the solution, so it's wrong. A million and one different ways to sum up the ways that I lose.

Each step I take, each corner I turn I get worse and worse.

Borderline: Originally thought to be at the borderline of psychosis.

the rest of it so you dont have clogged up pagesCollapse )
Sunday, December 4th, 2005
7:27 pm
Made Public (because it's that important)
Excerpt from "50 Signs of Mental Illness" by James Whitney Hicks, M.D.

pgs 293-294

If someone you care about has BPD you will find yourself challenged and provoked. Your loved one will often be uncertain whether to idealize you or devalue you. One moment you are her favorite relative or best friend, the next moment you are being accused of being unreliable and hateful. You will be exasperated by these swings in her view of you. It is best to be honest about your feeling s but also to try to be calm in your response so that the accusations do not escalate. If you respond to her hostility by becoming sarcastic or critical, then you will have played the role she laid out for you. You may find it helpful to be a little unpredictable yourself. If she expects you to be saintly, admit that you are upset. If you find yourself becoming enraged, then take a break to calm down. Above all try to maintain your equanimity.

You may also feel that your loved one manipulates you by making demands and threats. She may deman that you spoend less time with others. She may threaten to stop being your friend, or to harm herself. You should decide what sort of behaviors you are willing to tolerate and be clear about what you aren't willing to do. If you are calm, consistent, and supportive when setting limits, and if you set them ahead of time, your loved one may feel less rejected. you should not panic hen she expresses from time to time a desire to harm herself. You may want to let her know that you are willing to listen to her when she feels like hurting herself, but, if talking will not help, you are prepared to call an ambulance or to take her to the hospital yourself. When dealing with any impulsive behaviors you want to encourage her to take responsibility for the choices she makes, rather than taking on the role of monitoring and rescuing her.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
2:19 pm
Hello to all...I'm an 18 year old unofficially diagnosed BPD sufferer...but I am officially ADHD (a lovely mix no?)

It's unofficial because in all honesty my psychiatrist back home cannot make a decision between schizophrenia and BPD...but i'd definitely lean towards the BPD. Over the years I've been working to better myself, and I must say I've made some incredible progress with and without therapy. I quit all my mood stabilizing medications over a year ago and I haven't felt this great and alive since I was 5. My moods are more even, and I'm improving every day with learning to control them and not over-react to every offense.

But there's one thing in particular I'm curious to see if anyone else is having problems with.

Like most BPD people I have an incredibly hard time maintaining long term relationships, this wasn't helped by the fact that i am a military brat so i didn't even get to experience a real long term relationship till i was ten. I eventually made a very close friend in middle school. Some shit happened, we fought, she suddenly decided to not be my friend, drama drama drama, eventually we were friends again and closer than ever. We dated in highschool, i put her through the usual emotional hell involved in the rollercoaster relationship and it causes us a lot of emotional anxiety not helping her history of Manic Depression(her mother has a masters in psychology and my friend firmly believes that BPD isn't real). We broke up before we left for college. Here I am not having an problems associating and growing close to people...i don't do the hot and cold with even my closest friends and don't have a hard time keeping myself in check...
But God...when it comes to her...it's hot and cold...i hate you i love you...don't ever fucking talk to me again you cheating cunt and then back to i miss you

Has anyone else had this problem with old friends they had back before they really started getting better? She's just triggering these reactions in me out of the blue and we fight constantly! I don't know if i can take it anymore!

Current Mood: distressed
Friday, July 29th, 2005
9:10 am
Alone and freaking out
none of my online or real life friends, nor my boyfriend is available to talk and I'm freaking out. Very depressed no motivation to do anything though I have lots of stuff I need to do, I'm loosin my will to live and feel like i'm going insane!

and like no one loves me at all
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
8:28 pm
Any tips on a daily routine
I find that when I get into a daily routine and sleep everynight so that things are going well, I become very very deppressed-suicidal. At the same time I'm very unhappy with my mismanagement of my current circumstances. Getting the laudry done in a timely way and put away as well as organizing papers and dealing with apointments and other issues that involve deadlines is very very hard to do. I tend to aviod getting documents that I need ready to go for apointments, etc. Any tips?
Sunday, June 5th, 2005
1:37 pm
I came accross this site that says BPD is being emotionally stuck at age 1 1/2-2 and is often caused by a lack of stable, safe childhood so that the emotions couldn't stablize and move past this solidification of self that occurs at bout age 2. "growing up too fast" resulting in not growing up at all but pretending to.
About LiveJournal.com