Mia (woohoobotswana) wrote in beingmyselfbpd,

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I think I've posted here once before, but I've mostly been watching.  I guess I finally got to the point where I don't have anyone else to talk to, so I wanted to put my thoughts here.  I hope that's not a problem.  

I'm 25, have been diagnosed and un-diagnosed with BPD numerous times over the past 3 or 4 years.  Therapists seem to go back and forth about what they think 'I have'...I've given up on therapists or psychiatrists - they don't listen anyway.  They just decide what they want to hear and that's all they hear.  I fit most of the criteria, but since I can string a sentence together I can't be unstable.  It could also be that I'm terrified to actually tell a therapist/counselor/whatever the whole truth because I don't want them to think badly of me, or try to tell me something I don't want to hear. 

I started looking for communities after I was initially diagnosed, just to see if I could relate to other people's experiences.  I don't know who's right, but I do know that a lot of what I read here I can relate to, and it scares me a little.  I don't want to offend anyone because it's not that anything on here scares me from the point of view of someone else doing it, but to see in writing things you've done yourself and just tried to forget...I've known for a long time that something was "off".  I've known for a long time that I shouldn't be this way, I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't change it, I can't fix it and I hate that. 

Like everyone else, I have my good days and my bad days, but the bad days seem to get more and more frequent.

Sometimes I wonder how much of my getting angry is irrational, and how much of it is that people are actually shitty and I have a right to feel this angry.  I have a right to be really pissed off when my friends don't listen to me, but then come around to the idea three days later like it's some revelation.  I think that maybe I have a right to think that people are avoiding me or going to leave me because maybe they are.  Maybe it's a pretty good clue that if someone says they're coming and they're 2 hours late, they really don't want to be where they're going. 

I'm at work, so this is shorter than I'd like, but thanks anyway.

Cross-posted.  Sorry if you get it more than once.
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