® the bats have left my belltower ® (ekucbbw) wrote in beingmyselfbpd,
® the bats have left my belltower ®
ekucbbw
beingmyselfbpd

flowers in bloom [xposted]

Scratching is better. It numbs and takes away better than anything. I don't need a drug. I don't need a chemical... all I need is what I give.

Sometimes what I give is horse shit. But what do I care? I can bitch and scream at the top of my lungs, hurt everyone around me just to make it hurt less.... and it still won't matter, won't add up, because it's not like anyone pays any damn attention anyway.

You walk alone, you stand alone.... you're completely and utterly alone.

Hoping for a Prophet, wishing for a miracle... finding nothing. Sometimes you reach out and reach out and begin to fall forward to find that the ground you stand on in the life you think you lead is nothing but the pit to Hell, and currently you're living a demon's life.

I don't think anyone reads this... or cares about this... or takes into mind what it's worth.

Sometimes I think I just talk so I won't go insane but then again I end up talking to myself so isn't that crazy? I don't know. What is crazy anyway? The lines between sanity and insanity are so blurred, I don't think any of us really knows the difference between anything.

We think we have something figured out but we don't. A math equation in our minds to the solution of the problem that we face in life, yet it's not the equation that works or matches up with the solution, so it's wrong. A million and one different ways to sum up the ways that I lose.

Each step I take, each corner I turn I get worse and worse.

Borderline: Originally thought to be at the borderline of psychosis.



You know... they say we are desperate for that thing to grasp on to, abandonment (real or imagined) is something we try to resolve... we hang onto it.. obsess over it.

Couldn't be more right.

I can tell her I hate her the next minute tell her I love her.

I love you I hate you I love you I hate you I love you I hate you I love you I hate you love you hate you love you hate you love you hate you love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate...

Nothing works around here. Everythings turned up side down.

I've been listening to the same song for probably about 8 hours.

Rising falling rising falling heart beat beating splattering.

Scratch scratch scratching beating. Pounding hurting.

Nothing but the physical makes the emotional and mental go away.

I say I'm damaged you all laugh and turn your heads like I'm spewing some shit. You just don't know. I'm afraid of happiness. I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of life.

I hate but I'm afraid. I don't want to lose. I don't want the reject.

I don't want to do this but it won't stop it just keeps coming and coming and I'm going and going. The speed of light is travelling slower than I am and I'm still way back behind myself trying to catch up.

You all think I'm full of shit but I'm not. You just don't see, don't understand, can't... there's no way. I sleep the pain away and just wake up to face it.

Each one I've loved, gone, gone dead and fucking dead.

Mental, emotional, or physical.

Fuck you, I don't need you. I try to get on without you and something else comes up. There's another one. Another one staring at me in the face. Well god damnit can't I get past this? Why do I need need need so much? I used to think I was strong and independant... well fuck that, I'm not. Everyone I've viewed as being needy and dependant are exactly what I though I was myself.

I'm what I have always feared.

It's hard to see yourself and realize you're your own worst enemy.

Nemesis. Nemesis nemesis nemesis... writing but nothing is there on the paper. Where did it go?

Painful, painful painful... I can't remember anything. I searched, I want to know... what are the answers to this? I just want to stop hurting. I jsut want to stop... but i hurt and hurt myself and i can't stop because there's no way around it.

Will I always be here, in this place? I'm afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of being happy. There's nothing after happiness. Nothingness. But isn't that what this is? No, it's permanent nothingness. Happy means nothing. It means there's nothing. So I sit here and stare... Watching all around me wilt like flowers.

I want to scream. This is recurring. Obsessional.

Recurring.

Dead and dead and charred black. Do you ever just write whatever you're thinking? I do, I am right now.

Does this pain you? Anyone? Can you follow these thoughts?

I keep jumping, nothing stays, I'm going a million miles a minute.

I want to fucking hurt someone, before I hurt me.

I could just go down, bat swinging, and kill anyone I want.

It'd make me feel better.

I'd take out this anger.

And won't stop until it's gone.

Until I feel the snap mend itself in its place and there in my wake is the trail of blood and brains on my bat.

Killing and killing, just loving the swooshing and the splattering.

I'd feel so much better so much better so much better better better better

What does that mean? Better. Nothing, obviously, to me. As I get so far only to ome back.

My God he's insane. I love it. I want to be like that.

I love what he does. I want to watch it over and over.

Blood dripping down, it's beautiful.

It hurts, it pains me. There's pain and pain and pain and... this is unnecessary.

Or is it necessary?

I can't stand it. Nothing makes sense. Can you follow this? It's hard to write.

I just... everything is blank when I want it to be there, when I don't, it's there, but it comes out like this. I can't connect the dots. Where do they begin? End? What is this?

Borderline borderline borderline borderline borderline borderline borderline borderline what? What am I borderlining? Death? Answers? Life? Needs? Wants?

Will he be standing there? The only one I want to come back? I could give a fuck about Corey. There, I said it, I'll admit it. For all to see. I had a fucking huge obsession with the fucker and I don't know why all I know is it fucking ruined me and I still can't connect the pieces together again.

Humpty dumpty sat on a great wall humpty dumpty had a great fall all the kinds horses and all the kings men tried to put humpty dumpty together again.

Humpty dumpty.

He could have helped me. He was helping me. That was what I needed to mend my pieces, to put together my fragile shell...

Further down further down further down further sown... and he's gone, gone like that. Just like that.

Now all I have is holes and pieces and I don't know what to do with them. I could quote him, I could, but that would raise too much.

I don't have a fuck about him anymore.

I want to go the grave. We're laying a blanket out. I started to forget I started to forget I started to forget how could I? Walking down roads, rods... rain falling... waiting for your sound. Is this how it is? You die and abandon me for good? So I thought you abandoned me before, and this is my punishment? Punish me? I can't stand it how could you?

You're the one I need most. I needed you he most... and you're gone. Fucking leave me. Is this how it is? Well are you happy? Satisfied? I'm ruined. The pieces won't go back together. No one can connect them

I should just go out and do what I want. Fuck the whole town, drink all I want, roll... I don't fucking care anymore. I can't fucking care anymore. No one is holding me together. There's no one here. She's going forward, I'm going back...

I hate everyone I love, I can't love for real... i'm incapable. I'm a monster and no one could love me for me... can you follow? does this make sense?

something is wrong, i just can't pick it out, can't stop it.. i alway feel like someone is there and there' sno one...

what if ther eis? creeping around me...i feel you. i can't write. this is hard. i can't follow myself. where do i connect? where doe sthis pieces go?

I'm afraid of happiness. this is long. im sorry. its not like anyone reads anyway. how could you? i bet you stopped on the first sentence. if youve read this far im surprised.

i just want to go bang my head until i sleep... and sleep for longer than i do. its back i cant sleep its creeping up again. i want to so bad. how do i know what is this what i am what am i where am i going?

Isn't it fucking wonderful what he does? i love it, it's beautiful.. like roses opening up down his chest.

i could never love for real and no one could never love me. im a monster this is endless this is relentless this is nothingness this is empty.... nothing is right nothing makes sense do you ever just write without thinking? i am.... what am i thinking? i dont know... maybe this is wrong. maybe im wrong... amybe nothing write.. ki should try to fix this but i cant. maybe i need help i dont know

no one could love me for me. no one could understand this... waht is wrong with me? i dont know. its like a monster in my head. who is that? what is this? what is that. i dont know i couldnt say this makes me want to cry and i think i am i dont know if that stinging is the tears on my dry skin or if its my unsensitivity...

sometimes ytou just want to hurt... hurt and fuck the pain away. theres no one to hurt but yourself and no one to fuck. you desperately dig in deeper and deeper... its all i dream about ow. dreaming and dreaming i see it with bruises and red and it hurts but it feels good and ive come a long way but i cant...

but he fucking left me so why the fuck not? i fucking hate you. why did you leave me? i cant do this. cant fight. this war is not worth fighting for i dont have the nergy i cant go on you fucking killed me when you died... why arent you here? i almost forgot.. i was forgetting i dont remember your face.

i ws birthed from a vampire and you leave me here to rot with her. shes sinking me, drowning me and youre not here to fix me and i need yout he only one i really needed and i cant do this i cant love... no one could love me but you whyd you go? now only he understands and he doesnt even understand me how does this work i dont know

flowers blooming, theyre so pretty. writing without thinking but thinking too much i cant sleep anymore i hate pills but theyre laying everywhere untouched. diet pills head ahce pills sleep pills you name it i have it laying around just ereming me reminding me that its oh so easy to just do it the easy way... no fighting no weakness and i cant fight anymore but i cant give in but i dont care and i jsut cant sort this i dont know

no one reads this anyway no one cares anyway why do i even bother im just another stupid person...

what is broderline anyway? ic ant say maybe i should go bac for help but theyll want to make me a combie again and i dont want ot be that gone im way too fa but at least i have my tears im afraid of happiness its not real its way too dead

you left me youre gone and i fucking hate you why arent you here? i cant go one.. this is getting too painful. dont ever just write without thinking. i think ive revealed too much no one cares anyway no one reads anyway it doesnt matter

flowers are in bloom theyre so pretty i love it when he does that it makes me so painfully happy i wish to feel it and i do when he screams it is so wonderful

fuck past obsessions ive upgraded. ones in the grave ones right here in front of me

ive been listening tot his song too much i cant help it love it

i alos forget you im forgetting you i dont want to i want to so bad remember im forgetting more everything is bleak and blurry i cant remember much anymore but you dont care no one cares i couldnt be loved anyway no one reads anyway this is how i am i dont understand but the thoughts dont stop just going and going and going and going wheres the ending wheres th eperiod i dont know i dont know anymore there it is again he screams and it rips through me i dont want to be here i cant take this oh my god i fucking cant take it this is all ending for me its all crashing the harsh truth i cant face it you all thought i waas full of shit but no w you know now you kow too much and i just want to fucking hurt and hurt and fuck and hurt but theres no one no one no one... and they all gone all gone no one to fix me

i need to be fixed where are my peices theyre gone who the hell am i i dont know but its dead im dead theres nothing in my eyes this is it this is it this is it i just cant i dont want to give up but i have to because i dont care anymore why should i you died you fucking died you killed yourself that day almost 3 years.... almost 3 years i want to scream and scream and scream

i should end this i dont know i need help but i dont know where to turn no one cares anyway where do i turn to i dont know this is just too much i have no where to go why arent you here why the fuck did you have to die you dont care about me anymore you dont care about me you dont care you dont care you dont care you dont care i not loved i cant be i cant love im a monster just growing and fiending theres nothing cant take it i nrrd soemthing to stop it to fix it wheres my strength its gone oh my god hes so beautiful

fuck the other one and fuck you youre dead and gone you left me without ifixing me you can t fix me anymore and i cant breath so this is the end i cnt huyst cant what is this dint know no one knows no one reads this anyway no ones cares i just cnt why am i documenting i dont know fuck you fuck you all no one loves anymore no one can see it anymore thought i was full of shit i ll full of shit you i think i need help but im afraid afraid of everything im breaking down and theres no fixing and bringing back up this is it isnt it this is it this is all of it mayve i should get help again i just dont want to i dont want to and i can help myself iw ont be a combie i wont be zomvbie...

self medicate self medicate self medicate self medicate i hear people moving i hear people i hear things there theres no one no one and whya rent oyu here? youre dead and gone and im broken and hes so fucking beautiful i want to keep him and have him he maeks ti all okay everything is okay made okay made okay scream scream im obsessed with the scream and the voice the scream the motion what he does it sso beautiful

flowersin bloom

noone cares no one reads it none cares i should stop the strings wont stop nothing connects no odts no conencton

read this i dare you fuck you all you dont crare

hes so fucking beautiful i love the voice the scream flowers in bloom
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